I don't want it to end

There are some things I want to get off my chest. It might make me feel better but I don't know.

The end is coming. The 25th of June is only two days away. Could everything be over in two days?

I heard from one source the investigation was expected to be tied up in June. June is almost over meaning the investigation is almost over or that it is going on longer than originally expected.

I made a decision in relation to Hector some time ago. Caring about someone means putting them before yourself right? When the investigation is over I expect Hector is just going to go back to his life and it would probably be the last I see of him. Certain things I have seen combined with what he has said to me directly make me think he is not the type to take time to stay in touch. I can accept that. I have friends but how much effort do I make to stay in touch?

For the same reason I think I am pretty same posting on here because besides the main boards and checking email I don't think Hector spends much time checking other sources like Facebook or Twitter or Myspace. My blog would be very low down on the list.

I think that the kindest think that I can do for Hector is when the time comes to let him walk away without kicking up a fuss or otherwise doing anything to make him feel guilty about it.

If I made him feel guilty he might choose to stay in touch without really wanting to out of a kind of sense of obligation. Otherwise he would not but would feel guilty on some level about it. Far better then just to play it that I am not bothered about about our going our separate ways. Then he can walk away guilt free. I feel that this is what he would want.

How about me? I can give myself logical reasons why I should not care. I don't know Hector that well. This means there is a real chance that what I have become attached to isn't real. You can't have a friendship with someone or something which does not exist. This is only logical. I have lots of other friends too as no doubt he does too. Why does some random friend a long way away whom I don't know that well matter when I have many others closer. Do I really think he would care? I mean even overlooking my being so far away, I am not even all that interesting.

Who am I kidding? I tell myself these things. They are certainly logical. I know full well it is going to hurt when it is all over. That said I just have to accept what is coming. When I was serving on a mission how many people did I become dear and close friends with only to say goodbye to them and never see them again. Such is the world of a single guy. All you have is your friends but friends come and go. People move and circumstances change. I have learned just to deal with it because of having to go through it so much. Does this mean I don't care? I think I do what I do because I care too much.

With Hector my interest has been piqued. I know enough to make me interested in knowing more. I know logically if I knew him completely there is a chance I would not like him as much. I think chances are I will never know.

It is as well that chances are Hector is not going to know. I think he is better off not knowing. I just put on a brave face and everyone will be happy. Stick with the plan. You made a choice. Choose to act....choose to act Carl.

Baron and Hector fighting yet again

I suppose it was too good to last. Seeing the video from the Librarian caused Hector to panic. He ran away. This looked suspicious naturally and Baron ended up chasing him. It ended with Baron attacking Hector with pliers to try and prove or disprove that he was real.

Poor Hector. I did get a chance to talk to him about it and it seems he just panicked. Some thought he was the Librarian but it didn't take too long to find logical flaws in that theory. I will always stand by Hector.

Previously Hector said that the Jump was a good thing. He never qualified why that was the case. Does he know the Jump is good for certain or is it just wishful thinking on his part?

Melting Men in Blue Jump Suits.

A Jumpsuit covered in that strange slime has been discovered. This looks much like the substance found in the woods. Are the guys in blue melting? Scientifically I find that a tad difficult to envisage. It almost would not surprise me if the Cartel just left it there to confuse us. Still it does raise questions.

What could do that to someone? Was the person even a complete person to begin with or something else. I remember reading about "thought forms", beings created through meditation. These beings are a thing or legend. I cannot explain what this is about and feel I would just be grasping at straws to try.

Baron of Byberry

So long since I last posted here. I think I will split between multiple posts. Gerrymander is Lint Julep. Baron and Lint both have been the victim of experiments at Byberry. It looks like Baron's conditioning was breaking down and the Cartel decided to patch him up. Saying that they saved his life is nonsense apparently. Naturally Baron is shaken up by this revelation. Hector may well be the victim of him lashing out with angry outbursts. I think Baron is going to be upset under the surface. Frustrated by not knowing what is true and what is a lie in his life. For a tough guy like Baron Anger is the natural facade for him to use to mask what he is really feeling. The slices will need to be at the ready to pick up the pieces if Baron starts to crumble.

There are still unanswered questions. When were Baron and Lint at Byberry? My rough calculations would state that they would have been children or young teens at the time Byberry closed. Either they were experimented on as children or Byberry did not close when it is historically said to have.

The connection with San Diego is still unclear. Perhaps more will become clear in time.

JavaOne

All is a bit quiet in PIE land right now. The reason being that our indomitable leaders are visiting JavaOne. I have already seen photographic evidence that Baron and Hector have been in close proximity with The Wish. The magic will have happened by now but we have to sit and wait to see the result.

I must admit that I have been quite eaten up not to be able to attend in person. I wish I could have been there but I couldn't and must get over that.

My eyes and ears have become those who have been able to be there. Jonathan Giles has been good in that sense. I even got an honourable mention from Jenn and Heidi.

I wish I could have been involved in the investigation sooner but I cannot turn back the clock.

For now I am left to sit and wait. In the mean time I am assimilating all the information which I can about what has been announced. JavaOne produces so much information it can take weeks or months to get through it all.

Baron is Back

Well Baron is back with us. At first he seemed really out of it but it has not taken long for him to get right back to his usual self.

I will probably be criticised for saying this and probably rightly so. It makes me think of Christmas Present anticipation. You know something is coming and you have a lot of excitement from it. Then it arrives and there is something of an anti-climax.

I am glad Barron is back really but at the same time it is probably just going to be back to the way it was now. The way it was was not all good. Baron is hardly back very long and already he is putting Hector down. Some of what he says is outright hurtful considering all Hector has been doing while Baron has been away.

Not really a great time to bring him up on it. Everyone is expressing their joy at having Baron back. I image he must be loving all the attention. The problem is with Baron back I can bet Hector will just end up fading into the background again. In one way having had Baron away has meant being able to deal with Hector more. It has been a good chance to see more of him.

Perhaps it might relate to the time that I joined but whatever fondness I might have for Baron is totally eclipsed by that which I have for Hector. It could prove a contention point if I am not careful.

Maybe it is as well that I suspect not many slices even read my blog anyway.

If Baron does persist in being unkind to Hector then so help me I am going to stick up for Hector as I think it high time someone did. Baron may think it is all fine but I have to wonder if his cutting remarks might hurt Hector more than he realises. I could be wrong. I don't know Hector feels about it all. For him to accuse Hector of deliberately being in no rush to get Baron back! After watching how much it was hurting Hector to have Baron missing, that remark is pretty hurtful in my opinion.

Perhaps right now if I can't be kind I had better just be quiet. I don't feel like showering Baron in party streamers if he is going to take up this attitude.

Ah well. I think I have said quite enough.

What is real

This could be an interesting blog entry as it covers something which has been on my mind for a while. More recent activities have made me consider how sometimes we can build and artificial image of people. The deadly side of this is when you come to care about that person but it turns out that perhaps it is just an artificial idea you have ascribed to a person which you care about. Getting to know the individual properly can potentially then show how false the image you painted in you head is. This is potentially both a painful and embarrassing situation to be in. Perhaps I am not too proud to admit that this has happened to me at least once. Perhaps it is the kind of thing which most adults would experience at some time whether they would admit to it or not. I am reminded of the words of Aragorn in "Lord of the Rings" when quietly rebuking the Princess of Rohan who has taken a liking to him "It is but a shadow and a thought that you love".

Why is this relevant right now? Perhaps it might be clearer as this blog post goes on. In the world of theater and cinema as well as literature stories are told designed to invoke our emotions. Characters are portrayed for whom we are intended to develop an attitude towards ether to hate them or care for them or pity them. In the worlds of Theater and Cinema and Literature it is clear to discern that the characters are indeed just pure fiction and as such any attachment to them is just a fleeting thing (or should be). It would not be reasonable no matter how much we might get attached to a character in a book to feel we have a meaningful friendship with them. You cannot by definition because the character is not real and does not exist. In cinema it can be reasonably clear cut too. Wall-e in spite of the sympathy which can be felt for him is obviously not real. When it comes to characters depicted by actors and actresses we know that the person acting is just acting out a role. I can watch Troy for example and sympathise with the role of Hector who seems to always be trying to do the right thing yet suffering as a result of bad decisions by others ultimately culminating with the loss of his life. I would not go out of the cinema though thinking I had a friendship or meaningful understanding of Eric Bana. It is just a role being acted out.

The problem gets more complicated though in a situation where a role is known to be fictional but is known to be at least to some degree based on the person who is acting out the role. It may be the case that the exact degree to which the role represented matches the reality of the person is a mystery. In this case you may simply not know how much is real and how much is just fiction.

None of that matters particulary unless....

If you care about that character would it be reasonable to wonder how much is real and how much is not? Such a dilema. The cold hard logic would throw out the prospect. If a character is acted out even partially then logically any friendship or such would not exist. You cannot have a real friendship with someone who is not real. Fiction friends beget fictional friendships.

Perhaps if the person behind the character were known it is possible that a similar friendship would exist. That is pure speculation though and basically would come down to the potential that anyone may or may not be someone with whom after getting to know them you would wish to be friends with. I must stop this blog entry to go to work. Perhaps as well. I might just talk myself into a corner otherwise.

Is the end comming?

When I got involved in the PIE investigation I must admit it seemed so innocent. Investigate the paranormal and learn a bit of JavaFX along the way. Sounds like fun. I wonder if I got more than I expected. I don't think I expected to be as emotionally invested in it all as I came to be. I really came to care about the fellow slices and the leaders. That isn't bad in and of itself by my logical side can see the longer term implications. What happens when the Jump has happened and the PIE investigation into it is no longer needed? Is it fair to say that PIE will disband and everyone will go their separate ways? When I started I would have seen no issue with that. Everything which has a beginning has an end. I see the end coming. But now I see it with a bit of dread. I know now it is likely going to hurt a bit to have to say goodbye.

Perhaps I should just push that out of my mind for now and just deal with it when it comes.

Ghosts of the Past

I must admit that for all that I overreacted to the suggestion that Hector was drinking more heavily I had been upset by bad memories of a friend at University who turned to drinking quite heavily (or at least in my eyes) when he was going through a rough time. My attempts to talk with him about it really only resulted in my alienating him. I suppose that they say that those who forget the past are doomed to relive it. This was really just one aspect of a really rough time I went through and I certainly would be in no rush to go through all that again.

Trying to sort out the future

I have a bit of time now before I probably have an early night.

So much going on in my head. Emotions are running a bit high too.

Baron is now confirmed alive. We are working on trying to get him back. It looks like something is going to happen at JavaOne.

I really wanted to go to JavaOne. I only wish I had the means to afford it. This year would have been particularly special time to have gone not only because I had reason to believe that there would be a jump connection but because of this being the last JavaOne before the Oracle acquisition. When I first found out about the acquisition I was inconsolable. I even cried which is more of a big deal than you might think. Much as under the surface I can be quite emotional there is very little which would get me to that point. It is not the kind of thing I would want to do in public but I don't see a lot to loose behind closed doors. Anyway I digress. I had a bit of chance to calm down and now am just going to wait and see and not assume the worst. I have really looked up to Sun Microsystems for choosing to do things a bit differently from the other big players. Some have called them idealistic for that. Other giant players might have a higher capacity for making money but having lots of money doesn't really attract me to want to work for a company. Sun Microsystems has been the only big computing firm which I wanted to work for and it was my ambition to work for them some day. I must admit with the changes I fear that ambition may no longer be able to be fulfilled.

In the same week that I had to deal with that news I attended a summit in London about using Immersive Technologies such as virtual worlds in education. I was very enthused by what I saw and felt like this is something I would like to get into. I had hoped to use Project Wonderland in a research project relating to using it as a teaching platform. None of that is possible however without some research funding. I made a contact at the summit with a professor at the University of Coventry which isn't so far away from where I am. The problem has been that I have had absolutely no response from her now relating to trying to meet up and discuss research. I am beginning to suspect that she is just not interested.

While I was visiting my parents and family in Yorkshire I took the opportunity to buy a new suit. I have a friend who kind of shamed me into it. She could see that in my going through some depression I hadn't really been taking proper care over my appearance. If I am to make a good impression though for such things as research I had better make sure I look sharp. Having lost quite a bit of weight since graduating (going from a 36" waist to now a 30") I now have a suit which is better fitting.

It is frustrating when it feels like my attempts to change my situation hit one brick wall after another. I am just in a situation now where (call it an early mid life crisis) I am going to be 30 before I know it and think my career is going no where and I am nothing like where I thought I would be by now.

I may just have to accept my circumstances if only for a while. I just hope I don't upset my current employer to the point that they would sack me. The programming industry is so competitive that if I had on my employment record that was sacked from any programming job It might mean kissing my whole career in programming goodbye. Being made redundant is a different matter. In that case it is simply that the job is no longer there and not that I have done something wrong.

While visiting my family I noted that there are a few who are bracing now to loose their jobs. My brother in law is one of them and so I am just hoping things work out. He has a wife and four children to support. I do appreciate that I am lucky to have a job. I just wonder though in the grand scheme of things whether it is worth the sometimes deep depression I have gone through with it. Here I am a Sun Microsystems Fanboy but programming .Net to pay the rent. Sometimes I feel every day I spend in the job my soul dies a little more. I miss Java so I am glad being part of PIE lets me get a Java technology fix.

I wish I knew what the future is going to hold. I am of an age where I look around at others my age who are married and may even have families. I am still very single and not even in a relationship at the moment. While I have so much uncertainty trying to figure out what I want to do with my life I feel I could do without the added complication of a relationship. I must also admit that after having broken up with my former Fiancee, I have appreciated some of the freedoms which being single allows. Much as a happy marriage is a great thing being unhappily married can be potentially more lonely than being single.

My parents always have a go at me for not being married yet whenever I visit. They often suggest a list of the women they think I should date. Make also some remarks about how if we just had arranged marriages they would have me sorted out etc.

Ahh parents. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever marry after all it doesn't always work out for everyone. I don't want to think about a relationship until I am in a better mindset.

Liberation

The act is finally over. No more silence or having to stay quiet. I can now speak my mind. There is a whole lot on my mind at the moment.

So much on my mind and so much I would like to say. I suppose blogging about it keeps me from filling up the PIE forum with long posts about my thoughts.

Humanity. Bart and Harry took over the PIE site temporarily. I thought it prudent at the time not to challenge them directly as I feared they would kick me off the site or shut it down. As time went on though it became clear that they did not have the power to do either. I was genuinely surprised by this as it had not even occurred to me that as owners of the site they would lack that power.

They are gone now. Driven from the site after being proven to be fraudsters.

The situation though did bring up a lot of thoughts about humanity. I have said that I never hated Bart Donovan. It is true. Even at the end when he was insulting me and telling me that I bored him to tears I still did not hate him. I like to think that he does not know what he is doing and so if he really did he would not have treated me the way he has. I tried to reason with him. I suppose that I was not really expecting that doing this would get anywhere. I felt better though for having tried. I wanted Bart to know that even knowing who he was and what he was there to do that I did not hate him and did not have to be enemies. None of it got through to him and he just accused me of boring him by speaking nonsense. I felt sad that I could not reach him at all but I as I have said I was not really expecting to.

It is over and he is gone now. At the end it looked like Bart had really just flipped. In a strange way now he is gone I still hope that he is ok albeit appreciating that at least he is not interfering with our investigations. It seemed Bart was adamant that Baron was dead. As everything Bart was telling me seems to be a blatant lie it only seems more likely that Baron is alive.

Having Baron alive must serve the Cartel some purpose other than just using him as negotiation barter to get us to agree to stay away from the jump. I think of his screaming at the mirror about being in pain and not knowing why. I think of what has been uncovered in the clues and that perhaps Baron's mind could be changing so that "the stranger" can speak to him. Could the Cartel be using Baron as a kind of medium to communicate with "the stranger".

It is all quite worrying because even if we get Baron back now we don't know exactly what condition he would be in especially his mind.

The question of humanity has made me ask questions about myself. I have undergone a kind of conditioning too. This conditioning is however of my own choosing. Almost my whole life I have spent striving to try and choose a higher path. I don't care if people call me indoctrinated. Choosing to stick to my convictions and try and live what I believe has rarely made me very popular. The difficulty is that having so much live up to I will always fall short.

Some of the core principles to me which show the greatest humanity is the ability to forgive those who hurt you. Being able to absorb hurt and harm from others and choose not to retaliate or take revenge. Many could well say "oh but it is justified". One of the hardest things when taking this principle to the extreme is actually turning around to your enemy and "doing good to them". Depending on how much they may have hurt you it can be really hard to do that. I can say the likes of Bart does not know what he is doing. What if he did? What if he did what he did knowing full well what he was doing? Would that be as easy to forgive?

One hard thing is that my stance to put me at odds with the other slices and even the leadership. I saw that many were congratulated on the fervour in which they openly battled with Bart and Harry. At the end I chose to join in the insults of the Wish. It was part of a strategy. I was being a sport and showing that I knew full well how to insult. After it was all done though I did ask myself whether it might of been better if I had stayed out of it and just say "it is not what I do" especially since this kind of behaviour which I am striving (however unsuccessfully) to overcome. It is too late now.

Another problem is that I just hope at this point that my background does not lead to any conflict with any other slices. I have never had any intention of choosing to make an issue of those things from our personal beliefs which might be in conflict. I only hope that no-one chooses to try and make and issue of them with me. If they have not by now then hopefully there is no reason to believe they would now but to be honest it is only more recently that I have acknowledged having a religious background.

Take for example Hex and I. In terms of background we are worlds apart but seem to get on just fine and would hate for anything to spoil that. It is not just witches in the past who were burned but also Christians have been too. I think the same type of people who would want to argue at attack Hex's beliefs would probably argue with me too for not being in the 'right' denomination of Christianity. I learned long ago that debates like that achieve nothing but a whole lot of bad feeling and I have no taste for them and avoid them no matter how much someone tries to drag me into one.

I wonder also some of the smallness of character I see myself exhibiting. Right now I am under the surface feeling quite insecure. Difficulties in my work especially recently having been called into a meeting with company directors to discuss my unsatisfactory performance have trashed my confidence in myself and my abilities. In a professional sense I feel I have to at least look confident even if under the surface I am starting to question my abilities and feel stupid. Deep down I know I am not stupid and have talents and so I am just trying to snap myself out of this mindset I am going through as if I don't I am going to end up in a downward spiral. I don't want to loose my job as it would crush me financially to be out of work and then I would be no use to anyone.

I look at the way in which I seem so eager to please Hector. It seems quite 'needy' in a sense. Perhaps just evidence of the insecurity underneath crying out for some attention and acknowledgement an such. That said my work with PIE is achieving more satisfaction than my employment right now. My employment though is doing a better job of paying the rent.

Life isn't without a sense of Irony

I ponder the problem. What point is there is having a blog when for fear of those who might be watching you things you would wish to say must remain silent? It is fun to talk about science fiction on the Pietheory.com website but...

I have to take accusations now for being a turncoat. That can be hard. The forum is controlled now by the Cartel. Am I expected to just carry on as normal while knowing my every word is freely and openly available to them..

Having fun with Sci-Fi doesn't stop me learning about JavaFX. I feel that this is the most important thing to which I can devote my time. I have a feeling the skills I learn will pay off further down the line.

Communication, This isn't 1984 or is it.

I have become involved with an organisation called PIE. Parranormal Investigation Experts. Hopefully my strong programming background can help with development of PIE tools.

I signed up some time ago but have been very busy. I still am but have made time to get involved.

Today has been a blow as the main communications hub of the PIE team www.pie.com has been taken over by the Cartel. They want to turn it into a Sci-Fi and D&D site. I can talk Sci-Fi until the cows come home. I would like to play along with their little plot and see what unfolds.

In George Orwells 1984 there is a scene painted of a world where all communication and what we do even the things we think are private is being watched by big brother. Well the Cartel seem to be taking on that role.

I might not be able to stop them taking over Pie.com but do they really think this is the only way the pie slices can talk. We have become established enough to keep communicating forum or no forum. What we must make sure is that communication is not being intercepted by the Cartel.

I am still worried about Hector. I don't know if he made it out of the old HQ safely. If we loose him then the Slices are going to be left on their own. I think we should manage but I would prefer not to be without Hector.