So much going on in my head. Emotions are running a bit high too.
Baron is now confirmed alive. We are working on trying to get him back. It looks like something is going to happen at JavaOne.
I really wanted to go to JavaOne. I only wish I had the means to afford it. This year would have been particularly special time to have gone not only because I had reason to believe that there would be a jump connection but because of this being the last JavaOne before the Oracle acquisition. When I first found out about the acquisition I was inconsolable. I even cried which is more of a big deal than you might think. Much as under the surface I can be quite emotional there is very little which would get me to that point. It is not the kind of thing I would want to do in public but I don't see a lot to loose behind closed doors. Anyway I digress. I had a bit of chance to calm down and now am just going to wait and see and not assume the worst. I have really looked up to Sun Microsystems for choosing to do things a bit differently from the other big players. Some have called them idealistic for that. Other giant players might have a higher capacity for making money but having lots of money doesn't really attract me to want to work for a company. Sun Microsystems has been the only big computing firm which I wanted to work for and it was my ambition to work for them some day. I must admit with the changes I fear that ambition may no longer be able to be fulfilled.
In the same week that I had to deal with that news I attended a summit in London about using Immersive Technologies such as virtual worlds in education. I was very enthused by what I saw and felt like this is something I would like to get into. I had hoped to use Project Wonderland in a research project relating to using it as a teaching platform. None of that is possible however without some research funding. I made a contact at the summit with a professor at the University of Coventry which isn't so far away from where I am. The problem has been that I have had absolutely no response from her now relating to trying to meet up and discuss research. I am beginning to suspect that she is just not interested.
While I was visiting my parents and family in Yorkshire I took the opportunity to buy a new suit. I have a friend who kind of shamed me into it. She could see that in my going through some depression I hadn't really been taking proper care over my appearance. If I am to make a good impression though for such things as research I had better make sure I look sharp. Having lost quite a bit of weight since graduating (going from a 36" waist to now a 30") I now have a suit which is better fitting.
It is frustrating when it feels like my attempts to change my situation hit one brick wall after another. I am just in a situation now where (call it an early mid life crisis) I am going to be 30 before I know it and think my career is going no where and I am nothing like where I thought I would be by now.
I may just have to accept my circumstances if only for a while. I just hope I don't upset my current employer to the point that they would sack me. The programming industry is so competitive that if I had on my employment record that was sacked from any programming job It might mean kissing my whole career in programming goodbye. Being made redundant is a different matter. In that case it is simply that the job is no longer there and not that I have done something wrong.
While visiting my family I noted that there are a few who are bracing now to loose their jobs. My brother in law is one of them and so I am just hoping things work out. He has a wife and four children to support. I do appreciate that I am lucky to have a job. I just wonder though in the grand scheme of things whether it is worth the sometimes deep depression I have gone through with it. Here I am a Sun Microsystems Fanboy but programming .Net to pay the rent. Sometimes I feel every day I spend in the job my soul dies a little more. I miss Java so I am glad being part of PIE lets me get a Java technology fix.
I wish I knew what the future is going to hold. I am of an age where I look around at others my age who are married and may even have families. I am still very single and not even in a relationship at the moment. While I have so much uncertainty trying to figure out what I want to do with my life I feel I could do without the added complication of a relationship. I must also admit that after having broken up with my former Fiancee, I have appreciated some of the freedoms which being single allows. Much as a happy marriage is a great thing being unhappily married can be potentially more lonely than being single.
My parents always have a go at me for not being married yet whenever I visit. They often suggest a list of the women they think I should date. Make also some remarks about how if we just had arranged marriages they would have me sorted out etc.
Ahh parents. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever marry after all it doesn't always work out for everyone. I don't want to think about a relationship until I am in a better mindset.
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