Liberation

The act is finally over. No more silence or having to stay quiet. I can now speak my mind. There is a whole lot on my mind at the moment.

So much on my mind and so much I would like to say. I suppose blogging about it keeps me from filling up the PIE forum with long posts about my thoughts.

Humanity. Bart and Harry took over the PIE site temporarily. I thought it prudent at the time not to challenge them directly as I feared they would kick me off the site or shut it down. As time went on though it became clear that they did not have the power to do either. I was genuinely surprised by this as it had not even occurred to me that as owners of the site they would lack that power.

They are gone now. Driven from the site after being proven to be fraudsters.

The situation though did bring up a lot of thoughts about humanity. I have said that I never hated Bart Donovan. It is true. Even at the end when he was insulting me and telling me that I bored him to tears I still did not hate him. I like to think that he does not know what he is doing and so if he really did he would not have treated me the way he has. I tried to reason with him. I suppose that I was not really expecting that doing this would get anywhere. I felt better though for having tried. I wanted Bart to know that even knowing who he was and what he was there to do that I did not hate him and did not have to be enemies. None of it got through to him and he just accused me of boring him by speaking nonsense. I felt sad that I could not reach him at all but I as I have said I was not really expecting to.

It is over and he is gone now. At the end it looked like Bart had really just flipped. In a strange way now he is gone I still hope that he is ok albeit appreciating that at least he is not interfering with our investigations. It seemed Bart was adamant that Baron was dead. As everything Bart was telling me seems to be a blatant lie it only seems more likely that Baron is alive.

Having Baron alive must serve the Cartel some purpose other than just using him as negotiation barter to get us to agree to stay away from the jump. I think of his screaming at the mirror about being in pain and not knowing why. I think of what has been uncovered in the clues and that perhaps Baron's mind could be changing so that "the stranger" can speak to him. Could the Cartel be using Baron as a kind of medium to communicate with "the stranger".

It is all quite worrying because even if we get Baron back now we don't know exactly what condition he would be in especially his mind.

The question of humanity has made me ask questions about myself. I have undergone a kind of conditioning too. This conditioning is however of my own choosing. Almost my whole life I have spent striving to try and choose a higher path. I don't care if people call me indoctrinated. Choosing to stick to my convictions and try and live what I believe has rarely made me very popular. The difficulty is that having so much live up to I will always fall short.

Some of the core principles to me which show the greatest humanity is the ability to forgive those who hurt you. Being able to absorb hurt and harm from others and choose not to retaliate or take revenge. Many could well say "oh but it is justified". One of the hardest things when taking this principle to the extreme is actually turning around to your enemy and "doing good to them". Depending on how much they may have hurt you it can be really hard to do that. I can say the likes of Bart does not know what he is doing. What if he did? What if he did what he did knowing full well what he was doing? Would that be as easy to forgive?

One hard thing is that my stance to put me at odds with the other slices and even the leadership. I saw that many were congratulated on the fervour in which they openly battled with Bart and Harry. At the end I chose to join in the insults of the Wish. It was part of a strategy. I was being a sport and showing that I knew full well how to insult. After it was all done though I did ask myself whether it might of been better if I had stayed out of it and just say "it is not what I do" especially since this kind of behaviour which I am striving (however unsuccessfully) to overcome. It is too late now.

Another problem is that I just hope at this point that my background does not lead to any conflict with any other slices. I have never had any intention of choosing to make an issue of those things from our personal beliefs which might be in conflict. I only hope that no-one chooses to try and make and issue of them with me. If they have not by now then hopefully there is no reason to believe they would now but to be honest it is only more recently that I have acknowledged having a religious background.

Take for example Hex and I. In terms of background we are worlds apart but seem to get on just fine and would hate for anything to spoil that. It is not just witches in the past who were burned but also Christians have been too. I think the same type of people who would want to argue at attack Hex's beliefs would probably argue with me too for not being in the 'right' denomination of Christianity. I learned long ago that debates like that achieve nothing but a whole lot of bad feeling and I have no taste for them and avoid them no matter how much someone tries to drag me into one.

I wonder also some of the smallness of character I see myself exhibiting. Right now I am under the surface feeling quite insecure. Difficulties in my work especially recently having been called into a meeting with company directors to discuss my unsatisfactory performance have trashed my confidence in myself and my abilities. In a professional sense I feel I have to at least look confident even if under the surface I am starting to question my abilities and feel stupid. Deep down I know I am not stupid and have talents and so I am just trying to snap myself out of this mindset I am going through as if I don't I am going to end up in a downward spiral. I don't want to loose my job as it would crush me financially to be out of work and then I would be no use to anyone.

I look at the way in which I seem so eager to please Hector. It seems quite 'needy' in a sense. Perhaps just evidence of the insecurity underneath crying out for some attention and acknowledgement an such. That said my work with PIE is achieving more satisfaction than my employment right now. My employment though is doing a better job of paying the rent.