I don't want it to end

There are some things I want to get off my chest. It might make me feel better but I don't know.

The end is coming. The 25th of June is only two days away. Could everything be over in two days?

I heard from one source the investigation was expected to be tied up in June. June is almost over meaning the investigation is almost over or that it is going on longer than originally expected.

I made a decision in relation to Hector some time ago. Caring about someone means putting them before yourself right? When the investigation is over I expect Hector is just going to go back to his life and it would probably be the last I see of him. Certain things I have seen combined with what he has said to me directly make me think he is not the type to take time to stay in touch. I can accept that. I have friends but how much effort do I make to stay in touch?

For the same reason I think I am pretty same posting on here because besides the main boards and checking email I don't think Hector spends much time checking other sources like Facebook or Twitter or Myspace. My blog would be very low down on the list.

I think that the kindest think that I can do for Hector is when the time comes to let him walk away without kicking up a fuss or otherwise doing anything to make him feel guilty about it.

If I made him feel guilty he might choose to stay in touch without really wanting to out of a kind of sense of obligation. Otherwise he would not but would feel guilty on some level about it. Far better then just to play it that I am not bothered about about our going our separate ways. Then he can walk away guilt free. I feel that this is what he would want.

How about me? I can give myself logical reasons why I should not care. I don't know Hector that well. This means there is a real chance that what I have become attached to isn't real. You can't have a friendship with someone or something which does not exist. This is only logical. I have lots of other friends too as no doubt he does too. Why does some random friend a long way away whom I don't know that well matter when I have many others closer. Do I really think he would care? I mean even overlooking my being so far away, I am not even all that interesting.

Who am I kidding? I tell myself these things. They are certainly logical. I know full well it is going to hurt when it is all over. That said I just have to accept what is coming. When I was serving on a mission how many people did I become dear and close friends with only to say goodbye to them and never see them again. Such is the world of a single guy. All you have is your friends but friends come and go. People move and circumstances change. I have learned just to deal with it because of having to go through it so much. Does this mean I don't care? I think I do what I do because I care too much.

With Hector my interest has been piqued. I know enough to make me interested in knowing more. I know logically if I knew him completely there is a chance I would not like him as much. I think chances are I will never know.

It is as well that chances are Hector is not going to know. I think he is better off not knowing. I just put on a brave face and everyone will be happy. Stick with the plan. You made a choice. Choose to act....choose to act Carl.

Baron and Hector fighting yet again

I suppose it was too good to last. Seeing the video from the Librarian caused Hector to panic. He ran away. This looked suspicious naturally and Baron ended up chasing him. It ended with Baron attacking Hector with pliers to try and prove or disprove that he was real.

Poor Hector. I did get a chance to talk to him about it and it seems he just panicked. Some thought he was the Librarian but it didn't take too long to find logical flaws in that theory. I will always stand by Hector.

Previously Hector said that the Jump was a good thing. He never qualified why that was the case. Does he know the Jump is good for certain or is it just wishful thinking on his part?

Melting Men in Blue Jump Suits.

A Jumpsuit covered in that strange slime has been discovered. This looks much like the substance found in the woods. Are the guys in blue melting? Scientifically I find that a tad difficult to envisage. It almost would not surprise me if the Cartel just left it there to confuse us. Still it does raise questions.

What could do that to someone? Was the person even a complete person to begin with or something else. I remember reading about "thought forms", beings created through meditation. These beings are a thing or legend. I cannot explain what this is about and feel I would just be grasping at straws to try.

Baron of Byberry

So long since I last posted here. I think I will split between multiple posts. Gerrymander is Lint Julep. Baron and Lint both have been the victim of experiments at Byberry. It looks like Baron's conditioning was breaking down and the Cartel decided to patch him up. Saying that they saved his life is nonsense apparently. Naturally Baron is shaken up by this revelation. Hector may well be the victim of him lashing out with angry outbursts. I think Baron is going to be upset under the surface. Frustrated by not knowing what is true and what is a lie in his life. For a tough guy like Baron Anger is the natural facade for him to use to mask what he is really feeling. The slices will need to be at the ready to pick up the pieces if Baron starts to crumble.

There are still unanswered questions. When were Baron and Lint at Byberry? My rough calculations would state that they would have been children or young teens at the time Byberry closed. Either they were experimented on as children or Byberry did not close when it is historically said to have.

The connection with San Diego is still unclear. Perhaps more will become clear in time.

JavaOne

All is a bit quiet in PIE land right now. The reason being that our indomitable leaders are visiting JavaOne. I have already seen photographic evidence that Baron and Hector have been in close proximity with The Wish. The magic will have happened by now but we have to sit and wait to see the result.

I must admit that I have been quite eaten up not to be able to attend in person. I wish I could have been there but I couldn't and must get over that.

My eyes and ears have become those who have been able to be there. Jonathan Giles has been good in that sense. I even got an honourable mention from Jenn and Heidi.

I wish I could have been involved in the investigation sooner but I cannot turn back the clock.

For now I am left to sit and wait. In the mean time I am assimilating all the information which I can about what has been announced. JavaOne produces so much information it can take weeks or months to get through it all.

Baron is Back

Well Baron is back with us. At first he seemed really out of it but it has not taken long for him to get right back to his usual self.

I will probably be criticised for saying this and probably rightly so. It makes me think of Christmas Present anticipation. You know something is coming and you have a lot of excitement from it. Then it arrives and there is something of an anti-climax.

I am glad Barron is back really but at the same time it is probably just going to be back to the way it was now. The way it was was not all good. Baron is hardly back very long and already he is putting Hector down. Some of what he says is outright hurtful considering all Hector has been doing while Baron has been away.

Not really a great time to bring him up on it. Everyone is expressing their joy at having Baron back. I image he must be loving all the attention. The problem is with Baron back I can bet Hector will just end up fading into the background again. In one way having had Baron away has meant being able to deal with Hector more. It has been a good chance to see more of him.

Perhaps it might relate to the time that I joined but whatever fondness I might have for Baron is totally eclipsed by that which I have for Hector. It could prove a contention point if I am not careful.

Maybe it is as well that I suspect not many slices even read my blog anyway.

If Baron does persist in being unkind to Hector then so help me I am going to stick up for Hector as I think it high time someone did. Baron may think it is all fine but I have to wonder if his cutting remarks might hurt Hector more than he realises. I could be wrong. I don't know Hector feels about it all. For him to accuse Hector of deliberately being in no rush to get Baron back! After watching how much it was hurting Hector to have Baron missing, that remark is pretty hurtful in my opinion.

Perhaps right now if I can't be kind I had better just be quiet. I don't feel like showering Baron in party streamers if he is going to take up this attitude.

Ah well. I think I have said quite enough.

What is real

This could be an interesting blog entry as it covers something which has been on my mind for a while. More recent activities have made me consider how sometimes we can build and artificial image of people. The deadly side of this is when you come to care about that person but it turns out that perhaps it is just an artificial idea you have ascribed to a person which you care about. Getting to know the individual properly can potentially then show how false the image you painted in you head is. This is potentially both a painful and embarrassing situation to be in. Perhaps I am not too proud to admit that this has happened to me at least once. Perhaps it is the kind of thing which most adults would experience at some time whether they would admit to it or not. I am reminded of the words of Aragorn in "Lord of the Rings" when quietly rebuking the Princess of Rohan who has taken a liking to him "It is but a shadow and a thought that you love".

Why is this relevant right now? Perhaps it might be clearer as this blog post goes on. In the world of theater and cinema as well as literature stories are told designed to invoke our emotions. Characters are portrayed for whom we are intended to develop an attitude towards ether to hate them or care for them or pity them. In the worlds of Theater and Cinema and Literature it is clear to discern that the characters are indeed just pure fiction and as such any attachment to them is just a fleeting thing (or should be). It would not be reasonable no matter how much we might get attached to a character in a book to feel we have a meaningful friendship with them. You cannot by definition because the character is not real and does not exist. In cinema it can be reasonably clear cut too. Wall-e in spite of the sympathy which can be felt for him is obviously not real. When it comes to characters depicted by actors and actresses we know that the person acting is just acting out a role. I can watch Troy for example and sympathise with the role of Hector who seems to always be trying to do the right thing yet suffering as a result of bad decisions by others ultimately culminating with the loss of his life. I would not go out of the cinema though thinking I had a friendship or meaningful understanding of Eric Bana. It is just a role being acted out.

The problem gets more complicated though in a situation where a role is known to be fictional but is known to be at least to some degree based on the person who is acting out the role. It may be the case that the exact degree to which the role represented matches the reality of the person is a mystery. In this case you may simply not know how much is real and how much is just fiction.

None of that matters particulary unless....

If you care about that character would it be reasonable to wonder how much is real and how much is not? Such a dilema. The cold hard logic would throw out the prospect. If a character is acted out even partially then logically any friendship or such would not exist. You cannot have a real friendship with someone who is not real. Fiction friends beget fictional friendships.

Perhaps if the person behind the character were known it is possible that a similar friendship would exist. That is pure speculation though and basically would come down to the potential that anyone may or may not be someone with whom after getting to know them you would wish to be friends with. I must stop this blog entry to go to work. Perhaps as well. I might just talk myself into a corner otherwise.