Is the end comming?

When I got involved in the PIE investigation I must admit it seemed so innocent. Investigate the paranormal and learn a bit of JavaFX along the way. Sounds like fun. I wonder if I got more than I expected. I don't think I expected to be as emotionally invested in it all as I came to be. I really came to care about the fellow slices and the leaders. That isn't bad in and of itself by my logical side can see the longer term implications. What happens when the Jump has happened and the PIE investigation into it is no longer needed? Is it fair to say that PIE will disband and everyone will go their separate ways? When I started I would have seen no issue with that. Everything which has a beginning has an end. I see the end coming. But now I see it with a bit of dread. I know now it is likely going to hurt a bit to have to say goodbye.

Perhaps I should just push that out of my mind for now and just deal with it when it comes.

Ghosts of the Past

I must admit that for all that I overreacted to the suggestion that Hector was drinking more heavily I had been upset by bad memories of a friend at University who turned to drinking quite heavily (or at least in my eyes) when he was going through a rough time. My attempts to talk with him about it really only resulted in my alienating him. I suppose that they say that those who forget the past are doomed to relive it. This was really just one aspect of a really rough time I went through and I certainly would be in no rush to go through all that again.

Trying to sort out the future

I have a bit of time now before I probably have an early night.

So much going on in my head. Emotions are running a bit high too.

Baron is now confirmed alive. We are working on trying to get him back. It looks like something is going to happen at JavaOne.

I really wanted to go to JavaOne. I only wish I had the means to afford it. This year would have been particularly special time to have gone not only because I had reason to believe that there would be a jump connection but because of this being the last JavaOne before the Oracle acquisition. When I first found out about the acquisition I was inconsolable. I even cried which is more of a big deal than you might think. Much as under the surface I can be quite emotional there is very little which would get me to that point. It is not the kind of thing I would want to do in public but I don't see a lot to loose behind closed doors. Anyway I digress. I had a bit of chance to calm down and now am just going to wait and see and not assume the worst. I have really looked up to Sun Microsystems for choosing to do things a bit differently from the other big players. Some have called them idealistic for that. Other giant players might have a higher capacity for making money but having lots of money doesn't really attract me to want to work for a company. Sun Microsystems has been the only big computing firm which I wanted to work for and it was my ambition to work for them some day. I must admit with the changes I fear that ambition may no longer be able to be fulfilled.

In the same week that I had to deal with that news I attended a summit in London about using Immersive Technologies such as virtual worlds in education. I was very enthused by what I saw and felt like this is something I would like to get into. I had hoped to use Project Wonderland in a research project relating to using it as a teaching platform. None of that is possible however without some research funding. I made a contact at the summit with a professor at the University of Coventry which isn't so far away from where I am. The problem has been that I have had absolutely no response from her now relating to trying to meet up and discuss research. I am beginning to suspect that she is just not interested.

While I was visiting my parents and family in Yorkshire I took the opportunity to buy a new suit. I have a friend who kind of shamed me into it. She could see that in my going through some depression I hadn't really been taking proper care over my appearance. If I am to make a good impression though for such things as research I had better make sure I look sharp. Having lost quite a bit of weight since graduating (going from a 36" waist to now a 30") I now have a suit which is better fitting.

It is frustrating when it feels like my attempts to change my situation hit one brick wall after another. I am just in a situation now where (call it an early mid life crisis) I am going to be 30 before I know it and think my career is going no where and I am nothing like where I thought I would be by now.

I may just have to accept my circumstances if only for a while. I just hope I don't upset my current employer to the point that they would sack me. The programming industry is so competitive that if I had on my employment record that was sacked from any programming job It might mean kissing my whole career in programming goodbye. Being made redundant is a different matter. In that case it is simply that the job is no longer there and not that I have done something wrong.

While visiting my family I noted that there are a few who are bracing now to loose their jobs. My brother in law is one of them and so I am just hoping things work out. He has a wife and four children to support. I do appreciate that I am lucky to have a job. I just wonder though in the grand scheme of things whether it is worth the sometimes deep depression I have gone through with it. Here I am a Sun Microsystems Fanboy but programming .Net to pay the rent. Sometimes I feel every day I spend in the job my soul dies a little more. I miss Java so I am glad being part of PIE lets me get a Java technology fix.

I wish I knew what the future is going to hold. I am of an age where I look around at others my age who are married and may even have families. I am still very single and not even in a relationship at the moment. While I have so much uncertainty trying to figure out what I want to do with my life I feel I could do without the added complication of a relationship. I must also admit that after having broken up with my former Fiancee, I have appreciated some of the freedoms which being single allows. Much as a happy marriage is a great thing being unhappily married can be potentially more lonely than being single.

My parents always have a go at me for not being married yet whenever I visit. They often suggest a list of the women they think I should date. Make also some remarks about how if we just had arranged marriages they would have me sorted out etc.

Ahh parents. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever marry after all it doesn't always work out for everyone. I don't want to think about a relationship until I am in a better mindset.

Liberation

The act is finally over. No more silence or having to stay quiet. I can now speak my mind. There is a whole lot on my mind at the moment.

So much on my mind and so much I would like to say. I suppose blogging about it keeps me from filling up the PIE forum with long posts about my thoughts.

Humanity. Bart and Harry took over the PIE site temporarily. I thought it prudent at the time not to challenge them directly as I feared they would kick me off the site or shut it down. As time went on though it became clear that they did not have the power to do either. I was genuinely surprised by this as it had not even occurred to me that as owners of the site they would lack that power.

They are gone now. Driven from the site after being proven to be fraudsters.

The situation though did bring up a lot of thoughts about humanity. I have said that I never hated Bart Donovan. It is true. Even at the end when he was insulting me and telling me that I bored him to tears I still did not hate him. I like to think that he does not know what he is doing and so if he really did he would not have treated me the way he has. I tried to reason with him. I suppose that I was not really expecting that doing this would get anywhere. I felt better though for having tried. I wanted Bart to know that even knowing who he was and what he was there to do that I did not hate him and did not have to be enemies. None of it got through to him and he just accused me of boring him by speaking nonsense. I felt sad that I could not reach him at all but I as I have said I was not really expecting to.

It is over and he is gone now. At the end it looked like Bart had really just flipped. In a strange way now he is gone I still hope that he is ok albeit appreciating that at least he is not interfering with our investigations. It seemed Bart was adamant that Baron was dead. As everything Bart was telling me seems to be a blatant lie it only seems more likely that Baron is alive.

Having Baron alive must serve the Cartel some purpose other than just using him as negotiation barter to get us to agree to stay away from the jump. I think of his screaming at the mirror about being in pain and not knowing why. I think of what has been uncovered in the clues and that perhaps Baron's mind could be changing so that "the stranger" can speak to him. Could the Cartel be using Baron as a kind of medium to communicate with "the stranger".

It is all quite worrying because even if we get Baron back now we don't know exactly what condition he would be in especially his mind.

The question of humanity has made me ask questions about myself. I have undergone a kind of conditioning too. This conditioning is however of my own choosing. Almost my whole life I have spent striving to try and choose a higher path. I don't care if people call me indoctrinated. Choosing to stick to my convictions and try and live what I believe has rarely made me very popular. The difficulty is that having so much live up to I will always fall short.

Some of the core principles to me which show the greatest humanity is the ability to forgive those who hurt you. Being able to absorb hurt and harm from others and choose not to retaliate or take revenge. Many could well say "oh but it is justified". One of the hardest things when taking this principle to the extreme is actually turning around to your enemy and "doing good to them". Depending on how much they may have hurt you it can be really hard to do that. I can say the likes of Bart does not know what he is doing. What if he did? What if he did what he did knowing full well what he was doing? Would that be as easy to forgive?

One hard thing is that my stance to put me at odds with the other slices and even the leadership. I saw that many were congratulated on the fervour in which they openly battled with Bart and Harry. At the end I chose to join in the insults of the Wish. It was part of a strategy. I was being a sport and showing that I knew full well how to insult. After it was all done though I did ask myself whether it might of been better if I had stayed out of it and just say "it is not what I do" especially since this kind of behaviour which I am striving (however unsuccessfully) to overcome. It is too late now.

Another problem is that I just hope at this point that my background does not lead to any conflict with any other slices. I have never had any intention of choosing to make an issue of those things from our personal beliefs which might be in conflict. I only hope that no-one chooses to try and make and issue of them with me. If they have not by now then hopefully there is no reason to believe they would now but to be honest it is only more recently that I have acknowledged having a religious background.

Take for example Hex and I. In terms of background we are worlds apart but seem to get on just fine and would hate for anything to spoil that. It is not just witches in the past who were burned but also Christians have been too. I think the same type of people who would want to argue at attack Hex's beliefs would probably argue with me too for not being in the 'right' denomination of Christianity. I learned long ago that debates like that achieve nothing but a whole lot of bad feeling and I have no taste for them and avoid them no matter how much someone tries to drag me into one.

I wonder also some of the smallness of character I see myself exhibiting. Right now I am under the surface feeling quite insecure. Difficulties in my work especially recently having been called into a meeting with company directors to discuss my unsatisfactory performance have trashed my confidence in myself and my abilities. In a professional sense I feel I have to at least look confident even if under the surface I am starting to question my abilities and feel stupid. Deep down I know I am not stupid and have talents and so I am just trying to snap myself out of this mindset I am going through as if I don't I am going to end up in a downward spiral. I don't want to loose my job as it would crush me financially to be out of work and then I would be no use to anyone.

I look at the way in which I seem so eager to please Hector. It seems quite 'needy' in a sense. Perhaps just evidence of the insecurity underneath crying out for some attention and acknowledgement an such. That said my work with PIE is achieving more satisfaction than my employment right now. My employment though is doing a better job of paying the rent.

Life isn't without a sense of Irony

I ponder the problem. What point is there is having a blog when for fear of those who might be watching you things you would wish to say must remain silent? It is fun to talk about science fiction on the Pietheory.com website but...

I have to take accusations now for being a turncoat. That can be hard. The forum is controlled now by the Cartel. Am I expected to just carry on as normal while knowing my every word is freely and openly available to them..

Having fun with Sci-Fi doesn't stop me learning about JavaFX. I feel that this is the most important thing to which I can devote my time. I have a feeling the skills I learn will pay off further down the line.

Communication, This isn't 1984 or is it.

I have become involved with an organisation called PIE. Parranormal Investigation Experts. Hopefully my strong programming background can help with development of PIE tools.

I signed up some time ago but have been very busy. I still am but have made time to get involved.

Today has been a blow as the main communications hub of the PIE team www.pie.com has been taken over by the Cartel. They want to turn it into a Sci-Fi and D&D site. I can talk Sci-Fi until the cows come home. I would like to play along with their little plot and see what unfolds.

In George Orwells 1984 there is a scene painted of a world where all communication and what we do even the things we think are private is being watched by big brother. Well the Cartel seem to be taking on that role.

I might not be able to stop them taking over Pie.com but do they really think this is the only way the pie slices can talk. We have become established enough to keep communicating forum or no forum. What we must make sure is that communication is not being intercepted by the Cartel.

I am still worried about Hector. I don't know if he made it out of the old HQ safely. If we loose him then the Slices are going to be left on their own. I think we should manage but I would prefer not to be without Hector.